Page Two

Wow! You came to page two -- so which is it, you didn't groan
as much as expected or you're a masochist?

My cousin told me about an alleged miracle in a local church -- yet another weeping statue.
I said, I wish people would eliminate the obvious before claiming miracles.
She said, that's what I told them -- it could just be hay fever?

Political correctness is nothing new. My great aunt used to refer to The Elephant Man as that poor fellow with the bad complexion!

A Mrs. Milly Propp says she doesn't believe in curses and that Lord Carnarvon didn't die because he removed King Tooting Carmen's esophagus and assorted gold chamber pots from his tomb -- he died in his bed from national clauses brought about by an inflection of the large bowl and the savages of time. Stories of cursing pharaohs are grossly exasperated and just part of the lore of those living in the lap of Luxor and trying to preserve Egyptolosis for future germinations yet to be still born.

An iridologist said to a patient: "I hate to tell you this, but you have gall stones, hardening of the arteries and silicosis".
The patient said: "I hate to tell you this, but you are looking at my glass eye."

The pastor of the Christian Naturalists Church says the only drawback to having a naked congregation is the small amount of contributions in the collection plate . . . and we don't like to touch what little we get, you never know where it has been.

My cousin asked: If I pray do you think my prayer will be heard and I'll be healed?
I said: Only if the guy kneeling beside you is a doctor.

Convention organizers for The Society of American Witches are furious.
Adverse public opinion forced them to hold their ten day event in secret this year, but the location was discovered the first day.
Maybe next year they won't park three-hundred broomsticks in a Holiday Inn parking lot.

I read where a famous personality is changing the spelling of her name because a numerologist told her
she's deficient a couple of letters.
I guess what she's deficient is IQ.

In test after test it has been shown that Alternative Medicines can significantly reduce the size of a patients bank account.

The fortuneteller on our street phoned the police last week to tell them someone had broken into her house and stolen her burglar alarm.

Bullying in schools is becoming a major problem.
Sister Roseanne, the principal of a Baltimore convent school, says that since implementing a zero tolerance policy seventeen bullies have been expelled -- all of them nuns!

It has been disclosed that many senior members of the Catholic Church knew about the sexual abuses by priests, but turned a blind eye.
As one red-neck sheriff in the south put it: "What we have here is a failure to ex-communicate!"

A hypnotist regressed me to the moment before my birth. I experienced the journey along the birth canal and the sensation of cold air as my head was born.
"Wasn't that incredible?" the hypnotist enthused.
"Sure was", I agreed. "Considering I was delivered cesarean!"

It's rumored that a famous star who has had many previous lives is writing her autobiography.
Presumably her other lives will be done by ghostwriters!

The Republican owner of a golf resort in Florida ordered twenty wildebeests he thought would graze on the golf course and keep the grass trimmed. When the wildebeests arrived it turns out they were not real animals, but plastic. The Owner was livid and tweeted that he blamed CNN for the mix up. Who else would be responsible for fake gnus?

Maybe I'm clairvoyant, I often get these feelings of impending doom.
It happened this morning at my skydiving class when the parachute guy said, "let me know if it opens okay, the new girl packed it!"

During the last olympics a survey was done to see how many Americans could name a performance enhancing drug -- 82% said Viagra!

Psi-Missing is an interesting concept.

Apparently if you do worse than chance in tests, you are considered to have done well.
Hell, if my professors had bought into that nonsense, I'd have made the Dean's list as well as his daughter!

The Association of Feng Shui Practitioners held their annual convention in a Toronto hotel last week.
The lobby furniture was rearranged thirty times before lunch!

This Feng Shui rubbish is everywhere now. My Real Estate Agent told me my house wouldn't sell until I made changes.
He was right -- it sold in three days after I changed my Real Estate Agent.


A story claims a Mr. and Mrs. Doe showed up at an L.A. morgue to identify the body of their son --
but, none of the twenty-seven bodies they viewed was the right John Doe.

It's claimed that playing music to crops can increase yield by 5%.
One farmer tried it with his corn, but the music fell on deaf ears.

More proof that science is losing the battle in the U.S.
87% of Americans thought endorphins were the last ones in the adoption line.

Small town Psychic Fairs can be a lot of fun

I met a short-sighted seer at a fair last week -- she only saw the near future!

The clairvoyant correctly predicted I had a windfall coming -- I was blown over by a gale.

The palmist read both my hands and said they contradicted each other.
"So which should I believe?" I asked.
"Definitely the first" the palmist said, "You should never trust second hand information!"

Fundamental Ass-tronomy

An astronomer told me he became a Born-Again Christian because he had an old telescope. He figured it would work better in a 6,000 year old universe

Making an ass of things

Science has made gigantic strides
Technology changes with the tides
But still believers buy the tripe
Of charlatans of every stripe
You'd think that none could be so dumb
As let a psychic read their bum
Yet it's reported lads and lasses
An English seer is reading asses
She's being mooned by paying geeks
Who crave a reading of their cheeks
Palms have now become passe
The pimpled bum is holding sway
Clairvoyance, Astrology and ESP
Are dumb enough for you and me
But psychic junkies need their fix
Of bare assed cons and brand new tricks
You'd think that modern education
Could guarantee a savvy nation
But still the silliness appears
Like sticking candles in the ears
Or claiming magnet power can ease
Assorted ailments and disease
Some believe the dead can talk
Or even worse -- the dead can walk
That planets guide our path through life
And prayer can minimize our strife
It's what we're told by skilled deceivers
And what's accepted by believers
But all that nonsense, though inane
Will be considered almost sane
If crystal gazers and their chums
Tell peoples fortunes from their bums


Forgotten Memory: Something that happened in the past that you don't now remember.
Recovered Memory: Something that didn't happen in the past that you do now remember.

The good old days: A walk down memory lane after the garbage has been collected.

A neighbour booked her flight on the 20th because her Biorhythm Chart showed it to be a low risk date.
She seemed a little nonplussed when I asked if she'd checked the charts of all the other passengers!

DNA testing has been done on the alien bodies recovered from the Roswell crash. Apparently all the victims
came from the same tree.

My cousin said those vomit inducing televangelists have damaged her faith.
She wasn't amused when I suggested she see a faith healer!


Just think:

Scottish tourism has done so well out of the Nessie legend they're thinking of introducing a MacYeti on Ben Nevis!
(Anyone who doesn't believe there are already great hairy monsters on Ben Nevis hasn't gone up the mountain behind some kilted Scot.)

Maybe some of those weird diets advertised on TV really work.
I heard about a woman who bought those pills that help you lose sixty pounds in thirty days.
She took all the pills the first day and nothing's been seen of her since.

Hoist with one's own petard

I told a lady, there is no such thing as a miracle, what you just described is a coincidence.
If there were no coincidences, we wouldn't need the word coincidence, would we?

She said, so why do we need the word miracle?

My cousin said: You believe people can talk to the dead, isn't that unusual for a skeptic?
I said: It would only be unusual if I believed the dead answered.

To See Ourselves As Others See Us

I met a man the other day
A pleasant man in every way
A kind and thoughtful, smiling treasure
Whose great delight is bringing pleasure
A handsome man; a heart of oak
A man who loves to laugh and joke
A man of endless drive and daring
A tender man, a man of caring
An honest man whose life inspires
The kind of man the world admires
Today I learned the evil swine
Does not believe in the divine
Today I find this vile deceiver
Is an atheist, a non-believer!

An American evangelist claims that America is God's country and there is no doubt that Heaven is directly above the U.S.A.
It will be straight up when the Rapture comes.
One wonders where those poor Aussie believers will end up.