A Psychic Fair and a Sanitation Department Strike have something in
they both make you realize just how much garbage is out there!
Reports that the Loch Ness Monster swallowed two tourists have been denied by Scottish police.
A spokesperson said: it's true two people are missing, but there is no need to turn a simple UFO
abduction into another ridiculous Nessie story.
As she massaged his foot, a lovely Reflexologist told my friend Eric that vigorous foot massage
increases blood flow to the internal organs of the body. To which Eric responded:
"Have I got news for you!"
I consulted a Herbal Acupuncturist. He's like a regular acupuncturist, except he uses pine needles.
A psychic claims he can bend metal with his thoughts. Hell, my wife can do that -- she thinks the car is
about three feet narrower than it is.
The guy next door tried to commit suicide by taking an overdose
of Homeopathic medicine --
he gave up after 40 barrels!
American astronomers involved in the search for
extra-terrestrial intelligence have made a
discovery which suggests that other life forms are trying to contact us, but that they
are no more
advanced technologically than we are.
What the astronomers have detected is
a large bottle hurtling through space with a message in it.
Reports that many of our drugs are becoming useless against drug resistant strains of bacteria prompted the following comments from a Mrs. Milly Propp:
Taking anti-bionics for a common cold or post natal drip is an exercise in fertility. If you have a sore throat just gargoyle with menthol or ukalele oil or suck a candy or take some other non-conscription drug. Insisting that your general partitioner describe an anti-bacterial meditation for your sniffles is about as productive as using therapeutic touch on a corpse - or, for that matter, on a person who is not yet diseased. So, if you think a cold is eminent take a couple of aspirants and a hot teddy and don't go bothering your medical partitioner for drugs that have no effect whatsoever on hippo viruses.
Isn't it strange that a touch therapist doesn't have to touch a person to remove pain,
and a professional wrestler doesn't have to touch a person to cause it?
Proof that science is losing the battle -
86% of Americans think Quantum Mechanics are the people who maintain Australian passenger jets.
The Liverpool Procrastinators Christmas Ball which was to be held next June or October has been rescheduled for May 16th the following year. Organisers, however, say this date is tentative.
I asked an astronomer if he thought there was intelligent life elsewhere in the universe. He said: Probably, but on the other hand they could be republicans.
I think I just invented remote acupuncture. I stuck pins in a
voodoo doll to get back at a neighbour, and it cured his arthritis.
A psychic claims to have spoken to Elvis Presley's ghost. However,
a second psychic says, Buddy Holly's ghost told her, the first
psychic was fooled by an Elvis Presley's ghost impersonator.
A chiropracter told me he was curing my back pain, but I think he
was just pulling my leg!
An Iridologist told me the distortion in my iris indicated problems
with memory. She was right - I'd forgotten to remove a contact lens.
I asked a Police Chief if he engaged the help of psychics in
Sure, he said, facetiously, and we use copper handcuffs in case our suspects have arthritis.
Even more proof that science is losing the battle.
84% of Americans thought a genome was a little troll working for the CIA.
A fortuneteller told me I can see you are descended from greatness.
I said, I'm actually descended from a long line of losers. Even my more recent ancestors fared poorly. My grandfather for instance was a stowaway on the Titanic.
Yes, she said, but he was a brave man.
Like hell, I countered: When they yelled, "women and children first", he came on deck in a dress.
But he did survive, the crystal gazer said.
Wrong again I'm afraid. He fell in the ship's pool and drowned
Yes I see that now. Your grandmother was stoic though, she accepted the situation bravely.
I don't think so! When granny was asked to identify the body she picked out a better looking corpse.
Of course, I see a stranger in your grandfather's grave.
No you don't, because a police officer said "Are you sure that's your husband, madam, only we don't get many stowaways in evening dress?"
Granny said, "I should know my own husband".
The officer replied, "I daresay you should madam, but so should Lady Anton
and she has first dibs on the fellow in tails. I reckon yours is the one in drag".
A SIGN OF THE TIMES
HE: "What does our host do?"
SHE: "He's in alternative medicine, but I don't know which field."
HE: "Homeopathy, I'd say."
SHE: "Aren't they the ones who use tiny traces of key ingredients?"
SHE: "What makes you think he's a homeopath?"
HE: "I tried the gin punch."
There could be something to this reflexology stuff. I stood on a
thumbtack and got a sharp pain in a lung. If that happens to you
don't remove the tack - I did, and my lung collapsed!
An American evangelist claims that continental drift never took place and that the earth was
as it is now, which prompted the following:
Off the Ark
Two dingos howled on Ararat
Two wallabies yelled cusses
Two kangaroos were hopping mad
As were the platypuses
Koalas too, were quite distressed
Two possums really fazed
The geckos wagged their sticky tongues
Echidna spikes were raised
The Willie Wagtails screeched and squacked
The emus were distraught
The Devils from Tasmania
Just bared their teeth and fought
The bandicoots were in a rage
All flaming mad because
They'd been de-arked on Ararat
Eight thousand miles from Oz!
The thought of such a lengthy swim
Had all those Ausies miffed
It would have been much easier
With continental drift
Science continues to lose ground.
84% of Americans surveyed thought Natural Selection was chosing organic products at the supermarket.
A neighbour told me she has proof of reincarnation. I asked what the proof was.
She said a medium told her he had been in touch with a spirit on the other side and the spirit had had a near life experience.
My friend Eric doesn't believe in being PC. He described a female astronaut as a satellite dish!
Just think -- around the year Five Billion Two Thousand and Ten, give or take a few million years, some televangelist is going to utter the words, "we are in the end times" -- and be right!
Beyond the Fringe
Homeopathic remedies consist of weak solutions
Of drugs or other medicines in ludicrous dilutions
The notion, such a potion, can alleviate disease
Produces, in the rational, a feeling of unease
If drinking lots of nothing doesn't grab you very much
Maybe you could try a course of Therapeutic Touch
Your therapist just moves her hands and, bingo, in a wink
Your energy is realigned, and you are in the pink
Touch Therapy's a misnomer, no contact's ever made
Might one suggest suggestion is the key to this charade
Let's try some Reflexology, remove a glove or boot
Adherents claim that healing points exist on hand and foot
A plantar wart or callus could be sitting on the site
That needs manipulation for cessation of your plight
People who read auras seem to manage fine and dandy
Until they meet the protocols of someone such as Randi
And then there's iridology, a diagnostic gem
The eyes reveal malfunctioning from impotence to phlegm
And if you think that's likely, then I guess you'll buy the claim
That people, for no reason, have been bursting into flame
There are those who swear they levitate and float above the floor
But doing it for witnesses is something of a chore
Some have been abducted and examined top to toe
By imagined little aliens aboard some UFO
Others can project their thoughts, move objects with their minds
Such "gifts" become arrested if they're tested one soon finds
Perhaps astrology's your bag that star of pseudoscience
On which both king and president are known to place reliance
Given common data, if it's science, as they claim
The charts of all astrologers should roughly be the same
But are they hell, you'd do as well, consulting babes or butchers
If a hundred readers do your chart you'll have a hundred futures
Unlike psychics and clairvoyants, if the future we could see
We'd be billionaire retirees on a global spending spree
You'd hardly be dispensing other people's joy and sorrow
If you knew each snorting winner down at Belmont Park tomorrow
And who'd be turning tarot cards and gazing into glass
If they knew a million outcomes that had yet to come to pass?
Those sayers of sooth say it's uncouth to mine the psychic lode
Methinks they are as full of it as an unflushed camp commode.
Aternative therapies aren't working for me
My acupuncturist keeps needling me,
I don't see eye to eye with my iridologist,
My graphologist doesn't know how to read me,
I feel manipulated by my chiropractor,
My touch therapist won't keep her hands off me,
I can't count on my numerologist,
My homeopath doesn't give me much of anything
But most disappointing -- my Crystal Therapist uses cut glass.
Some books you may have missed:
The Origins of the Specious -- The roots of Creationism
Gullibles Travels -- Journeys through the world of parapsychology.
Across The World in 80-Days -- A flat earthers adventure.
A Fortune In Men's Eyes -- Get rich with Iridology.
The Naked and The Dead -- Nudism on the Astral Plane.
Of Ice and Men -- Story of Cryogenics.
The Old Man and The Seer -- Case study of a fortunetelling scam.
Allies In Wonderland -- Fringe groups join to fight science.
UFOria -- The excitement of alien abduction.
Born Yesterday -- The Creationist view of the world's history.
Much Ado About Nothing -- The Homeopathy Story.
Man and Superman -- Clark Kent's biography.
Looking Back in Anger -- Hypnotic regression and false memories.
The Princess and the Pee -- Urine Therapy in high places.
A Tree Grows In Brooklyn -- Signs of ecological recovery in the U.S.
The Picture of Dorian's Grey -- Fred Dorian tries to convince the world he photographed an alien.
Great Expectations -- Positive aspects of in vitro fertilization.
How Green was my Valet? -- Scientist tries to understand the naivety of his evangelical manservant.
The Day of the Jackass -- Twenty-four hours in the life of a young-earther
The World According to Carp -- A psychic communicates with fish. (Sequel to A Plaice in the Sun)
Catcher in the Sky -- Alien abductors hover in search of victims.
Gay Pride and Prejudice -- Homosexuals confront the Religious Right.
Further proof that science is losing the battle.
84% of Americans believe a Super Nova is a two hour television special.
A phrenologist told my wife one of her cranial bumps indicates great athleticism and co-ordination.
And to think she got it from falling against a doorpost while trying to extricate her foot from her undies.
Coach of a Texas college football team addressing his charges at half-time:
Well boys they sure outprayed us that half and the Lord gave them a touchdown or two.
I didn't see much prayin' from you fellas durin' the huddles and our kicker didn't even glance
heavenwards before that pathetic attempt at a field goal. How in heaven's name you
gonna win football games with that kind of sloppy devotion?
Now we have a chance to turn this around in the second half .....
what was that you said Leroy? ...... well of course we have to play better
football, isn't that what I just said? ..... Yes Leroy, I know Sammy Batty
is the best quarterback in the school, but he is an atheist -- the lowest form of
humanity ..... better football doesn't come from heathen quarterbacks who throw
sixty yard passes, better football comes from the righteous. If we give the
Lord a hundred and ten percent in our devotion, I know he'll give us
the eighty-six points we need to turn this game around ...... and maybe,
Leroy' if you prayed with a little more conviction, the Lord would give
David here a cannon for an arm instead of the peashooter he has seen fit
to bestow on him at the present time. So we are all getting down on our
knees right now and asking God to write our play book for the second half. .... yes Leroy,
I expect the boys in the next dressing room are also praying for a good second half too,
but the Lord favoured them in the first half so I'm sure he'll be wearing our
colors in the second ...... No Leroy, I have not noticed that the Lord seems
to favour the teams with good quarterbacks, and remarks like that could get
you benched. There is no place in college football for rational comments
that smack of secular humanism, the bible is our playbook -- now boys, on your knees!
Young earthers claim they have incontrovertible proof that man and dinosaur walked the earth at the same time.
They report creationist palaeontologists have found a raptor skeleton with a saddle strapped to its back.
Carbon dating results are inconclusive, but the Made in China label on the saddle is raising questions.
A Mrs. Milly Propp reports that the Noah's Ark hunters from
British Columbus who encountered the abdominal showman, or yentl as it
is known, on Mount Arafat, were probably mistaken. The large
hairy bipod they saw was more likely a musquash commonly called Bigfruit, which is similar
to a yentl, but differs in that your musquash has been in a movie.
I've quit my job as a clairvoyant - couldn't see any future in it.
The fortune teller next door asked me not to practice my
vibraphone when she has a client - apparently bad vibes affect her powers.
Still more evidence that science is losing the battle -
72% of Americans surveyed thought Carbon Dating was a
Reflexologists claim a link between the feet and the internal organs
of the body. They could be right - I tried firewalking last week and
NASA scientists are questioning the mental maturity of some of our astronauts. On a recent launch the shuttle had barely cleared the tower when a voice asked, "are we there yet?"
Candlers claim that candling creates a vacuum that draws wax out of the patients ear. How come the vacuum that already exists between the patients ears doesn't draw the wax inwards?
I was sticking pins in a doll when I got this overwhelming feeling that I had done it before -- I guess you'd call it deja voodoo!
A friend asked, "What do you call it when someone is given something they think contains medicine, but which contains no medicine, yet they convince themselves they feel better because they believe they've taken medicine when in fact they haven't, what's that called again?" -- I said, "Homeopathy!"
I asked my cousin if she knew what the sign of the beast was -- she said, Taurus!
I was attacked by a neighbours dog. I said, you'd better do something about that dog, it bit me -- he got it a tetanus shot!
Tourism was down in Scotland this year so we can expect Nessie to make more ripples next year than a potato chip company.
A Mrs. Milly Propp says the debate between Cretanists and Revolutionists on how we originated is one thing, but generic engineering and the clowning of sheep in scientific lavatories is another. Tampering with national selection and the survival of the fattest among God's creatures could lead mankind down the slippery slop to dalmation like Saddam and Begorrah.
I heard about an interior designer who filed for divorce on grounds of incompatibility. Her husband was a Feng Shui expert and kept rearranging the furniture.
You hear a lot about suppressed memories, but my analyst says it's my inability to suppress childhood memories that's the cause of my low self esteem:
I remember being on stage at my Kindergarten Concert and my parents sitting in the front row heckling me.
When they were told my glasses would cost sixty dollars, they bought me a white cane for four-fifty!
At age five I threatened to run away from home -- my parents gave me bus fare.
Science continues to lose ground. 84% of Americans surveyed thought Natural Selection was chosing products with no additives.
One man has been abducted by aliens so often they're giving him frequent flyer points.
My cousin believes in the law of similars. She's getting acupuncture treatment for pins and needles.
Those space visitors might not be so friendly. Remember that US flag Armstrong planted on the moon? A satellite picture shows aliens burning it.
Further proof that science is losing the battle. 84% of Americans believe a Super Nova is a two hour television special.
Egyptian experts have deciphered a string of hieroglyphics that have baffled scholars for centuries.
Apparently the deciphered text reads:
I read where a zoo is treating its sick animals with acupuncture. Most of the animals seem to accept the treatment, but the porcupines consider it reprisal.
I planned to go to an ESP and Psychic Fair last weekend, but it was cancelled owing to unforseen circumstances!
An alien abductee says that during one of his abduction flights he saw proof that UFO's are making regular trips between deep space and Earth. What he saw was a large sign that said
LAST CHANCE TO FILL UP BEFORE THE PLEIADES.
There's no truth to the rumour that two European atheist groups are at war because they can't decide on which god not to believe in!
My gay cousin has decided he isn't a homosexual after all and wants to divorce his husband? He cites irreconcilable similarities!
82% of Americans think the shortest distance between two points is the one avoided by taxi drivers.
A man is suing for divorce on the grounds his wife has Multiple Personality Disorder. The man says he and his wife are only compatible when she's Hazel the Hooker, but he resents paying for sex.
I don't have much confidence in that Noah's Ark search team the Creationists sent to Turkey. They have been in the Eastern Anatolia Region of Turkey for eight weeks and have yet to find Mount Ararat!
My cousin's been tracing our family tree. I have to admit when she gets involved in a project she sees it through to the end. She asked me the other day if I knew the surnames of Adam and Eve.
Overheard at The Catering Association's annual cook-off:
When was the last time you saw so many cooks under the one roof?
Saturday -- I was at a psychic fair.
Speaking of Psychic Fairs, I fell while I was there and bumped my head so hard it brought up a huge lump. A seer said: I foresaw that and called for someone to look at your head. Two minutes later a phrenologist showed up.
The story that Adam said to his maker: "To hell with makin' people from ribs, I got a better idea!" is probably apocryphal.
Maybe reincarnation is for real. A medium told me a spirit on the other side claimed he'd had a near life experience.
I was standing on a river bank wondering how best to get across when a passerby said "There's a little boat in the bushes over there. You can row across and tie it up on the other side, or you can walk down river a couple of hundred yards where there is s ford and you can take off your shoes and socks and just wade across."
"So," I thought, "It's row versus wade -- now where have I heard that before?"
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